Tormented
by 2kool4skool
Summary: Lulu faces the psychological repercussions from the hostage situation. Dilu of course, have I ever written anything else?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: Why couldn't that have been Dillon in the hotel? It should have been Dillon that came to rescue her. All right I'll stop complaining, but I expect the writers to give us a hug b/w Dillon and Lulu like the one b/w her and Spinelli. Anyway, because I have a feeling the writers aren't really going to emphasize the psychological trauma that should be the outcome of this situation, I've decided to write about it. Enjoy…**

Tormented

Chapter 1

The lobby was silent after another one of Craig's eruptions. I tried to focus on something; anything to take my mind off of his psychological warfare. I had stopped caring about my freedom hours before. I wanted my niece/nephew to make it out. I wanted Elizabeth to be okay and I wanted Nikolas and Emily to go home to Spencer. I wanted Carly and Sonny to return to their son's. What did I have to live for? I could die for them all, here and now. Nobody's life would really be impacted. It wouldn't be that much of a blow.

I stared down at the chipping paint on my finger nails. I had just done them for the charity event and they were already broken, like my mind. I knew if I made it out of this, my life would never be the same, as it was only hours before. My mind flashed to Dillon. I wondered if he was okay. I wondered if he was visiting his Uncle Alan and apologizing for all we put him through. We were responsible for him being in the lobby.

"Miss Lulu," Craig said viciously, pointing the gun at me. I wasn't in the mood, but I once again went through the motions. His torment knew no bounds. "We're going to play another game. It's called pick the person you want to die."

I instantly felt sick. "You have the choice of your brother, your sister in law, or your darling cousin." Elizabeth, Nikolas and Carly were pulled before me. I wanted to collapse. My world was falling apart.

"Pick one to die," he ordered.

"I… I can't," I shouted back at him. "I'm not choosing someone in my family to die."

"That's very unwise Miss Lulu. You either choose, or they all die."

"Kill me instead. They all have children to go home to. Nobody cares if I die," I cried, tears now pouring down my cheeks.

"Very brave," he commended, his voice mocking and condescending. "But that's not one of your options."

"I am not choosing. Pick someone else to torment, you sick freak," I screamed at him.

"You can kill me," Nikolas offered. "I volunteer."

"You people just don't understand how this game works. Lulu chooses, with no outside commentary."

"I'M NOT CHOOSING."

"All right, you win," Craig said, his three henchmen pressed automatic weapons into each of their backs.

"Stop," Sam yelled. "Leave her alone. She shouldn't be subjected to this. You want to kill someone, you kill me."

I felt my whole body give out and I hit the floor with force. My last conscious thought was of Dillon and I in the boathouse back in the summer.

XXXXX

I began to regain consciousness. My head ached and so did my ribs. "Lulu," Elizabeth said gently. "She's waking up."

"I'm so sorry Lulu. I should have been more protective of you," I heard Nikolas say.

I opened my eyes and met their concerned gazes. I felt so terrified, exhausted and unable to function any longer.

"Nikolas," I whispered.

He leaned down and pressed his head against mine as his hand squeezed onto my hand. "I'm so sorry. I hate watching you go through this."

"Did I say you could talk?" Craig shouted.

"Leave my little sister alone," Nikolas threatened.

"Or what?" Craig retorted, his voice colder than ice.

"Just leave her alone. She has suffered enough."

"Get up Miss Lulu, you're going to spend some time by yourself." Number 2 grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. I honestly just wished I were dead.

Number two tossed me into the room by myself. I collapsed onto the floor as soon as the door closed. I could feel myself receding inside my mind and I realized I was becoming my mother.

"Lulu," a voice whispered cautiously. I recognized it immediately and assumed I had begun to hallucinate.

I felt a hand caress my face, but I didn't dare open my eyes. I didn't want to face reality.

"Lulu, look at me," the voice said with more strength. "Open your eyes and look at me."

I acquiesced and my eyes instantly met Dillon's. "Dillon," I cried gently. "Dillon." I could say nothing else as his arms enveloped my body and he buried his face in my hair.

"I was so worried about you," he whispered, his voice like a blanket comforting my entire body.

I looked up at him with a tear stained face. I desperately wanted to kiss him, but I knew it wasn't real and it would only hurt more when I faced the fact that it was all fantasy.

I reopened my eyes, as the gun was pressed into my back. "Get up," the voice barked.

I looked around for any trace of Dillon, but I knew I had been dreaming.

I was dragged back into the lobby and tossed into the center of the room. My whole body had begun to shake.

"The vault is about to open, so I want you all in here and accounted for when we leave," Craig announced.

"Are you planning on killing us all?" Sonny barked.

"That was the plan. I suppose you have a better one?"

"Let everyone go but me and I'll make sure you get out of this town in one piece," Sonny offered.

"Nice offer, but no. I'd rather you all die."

I sat on the floor and began to rock back and forth. I had reached my breaking point. I would spend the rest of my life staring at a wall too.

Somebody crawled to me. "You need to be ready to run," Carly warned me. Her voice filled with a terror that she tried to mask.

I said nothing. There was nothing to say. I was broken; my mind was fading. Soon it would all be over.

"Lulu," Nikolas whispered to me. "I need you to fight to stay alive. Don't shut down. This is almost over."

I ignored him and closed my eyes, willing thoughts of Dillon to flood my mind.

"When the vault opens," Craig shouted. "My people and I will leave and right before, we're setting off all of the explosives. You can try and make it out but you probably won't have time."

The rest of the time bled together as I rocked back and forth. Suddenly all of the hostages were screaming to run. Nikolas had lifted Robin up. Somebody lifted me, but I wasn't sure who at the time. I later found out it was Sonny.

The lobby exploded, knocking Sonny and I to the ground. Suddenly there were paramedics all over me. "Lulu," I heard a frantic voice screaming, I recognized it as Dillon's. He grabbed my hand, but I could no longer react to touch. I was fading into my mind, just like my mother.

I arrived at the hospital and was checked out by the staff. Then I was left in my room, to stare at the window. Not that I could see the window. All I could see was Robin falling after the bullet had ripped through her leg.

"Hey Lulu," Dillon whispered, as he came inside. "The doctor says you've suffered some sort of psychological trauma and have been unresponsive. I don't really know how to take that information."

I ignored his presence. As much as I wanted to turn and look at him, I just didn't have the strength or energy.

"My Uncle Alan died. He had a heart attack. He wasn't responsible for killing Rick Webber, not that that really matters right now. I heard that you were basically tortured in the lobby. I am so sorry I didn't go to meet Spinelli. I can't forgive myself for letting this happen to you. I should have been focused on you and not on Georgie. I am so sorry Lulu. Please just come back to me. I will make this right." His voice started to crack and I knew he was crying.

"Dillon, is Lulu okay?" I heard a voice ask from the doorway. I recognized it as Spinelli's.

"She's still not responsive, but she's alive. Lulu please, look at me," Dillon begged. His desperation was evident, but I still couldn't push images of Robin's shooting out of my mind.

"Can you keep me updated?" Spinelli asked gently.

"Of course," Dillon said. The door closed behind Spinelli and it was just Dillon alone with me again.

"Your brothers are coming to see you soon. Nikolas just had to get some stitches and Emily was having something done. Lucky wasn't able to leave the scene right away and your father was needed to answer some questions. I guess you're stuck with me for now," he said, trying to add laughter in his voice, but I knew better. "I have a confession and I can't hold it back any longer. I love you Lulu. I want you to know that. Not like a friend. I am absolutely in love with you. I know that's not going to bring you back to me. I mean, obviously but I needed you to know. I never should have gone back to Georgie in the summer. My feelings for you have only continued to grow. At first I didn't want to face it. I thought it was just residual feelings from the pregnancy and abortion. I thought the child had just connected us, but that's not true. We connected us, because we just work. I will never forgive myself for not giving us a chance, but I want to give us a chance now. I need you to fight. Fight for me, fight for us, fight for your family. I don't care who Lulu, but fight to survive, because I can't go on without you."

"Dillon," Georgie called from the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in a cold, detached tone.

"How is she doing?"

"How does she look like she is doing? She hasn't spoken a word since she's been released. She won't focus on anything. She is so psychologically scarred that she is completely unresponsive. She has become her mother Georgie."

"I'm sorry Dillon. I am really, truly sorry this happened to her, but I am not responsible. I didn't put her in that lobby. I didn't ask the gunman to take hostages or torture her. You can't blame me."

"No, I blame me," Dillon spat. "I am the reason that she is this way because I should have been in the lobby."

"You can't blame yourself Dillon. Lulu wouldn't want that. I don't know her as well as you, but I do know that she cares about you and she wouldn't want you to go around with all of this guilt."

It was finally something Georgie and I agreed on. The images of Robin began to fade and suddenly I remembered the feeling of the gun being pressed into my back. I whimpered involuntarily as I felt the metal pushed against my skin. "Lulu," Dillon exclaimed. "Lulu it's okay."

I heard the trigger get pulled and then I started to scream. I couldn't stop screaming. "LULU YOU'RE OKAY," Dillon said. "Georgie go get a doctor."

Within moments I was surrounded by medical staff, including Lainey. "This is good," she said. "Lulu, you're not in the lobby anymore. You're safe now. You're at the hospital. Dillon is here to visit you. Isn't that nice?" I could barely hear her words over my screaming but I couldn't stop. I could still feel gun pressed into my skin, I could still hear gunshots surrounding me on all sides, I could still see Robin falling and Elizabeth cramping and Alan having a heart attack.

"Lulu you need to calm down or we will have to sedate you," Lainey said.

I felt something hit my arm and then the images faded away and everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: When Dillon said he couldn't imagine his life without her, well I couldn't have been more excited. That was so sweet. Aww, best line ever! Anyway, on with the story… **

Tormented

Chapter 2

I opened my eyes and could barely make out the images around me. I could see the lobby; all of the other hostages were there. Elizabeth was still clutching her stomach. I looked down at my own expanded stomach. "I didn't have the abortion," I whispered in surprise.

"That's right Miss Lulu," Craig's voice filtered through the room. "Did you forget about your baby? What kind of mother will you be?"

"Does Dillon know?" I asked fearfully.

"Shut up," Craig screamed, as he pressed his gun against my stomach.

"Not the baby. Please don't hurt the baby," I begged him.

"Lulu…" Dillon's voice broke through my dream.

"Don't hurt the baby," I shrieked. "Don't kill the baby."

"Why not? You did," Craig spat viciously.

"No. No, I didn't kill my baby. I was going to be a bad mother," I rationalized.

"Wrong," Craig shouted. "You killed your own child. You're just as bad as me."

"No, no," I sobbed. I heard the gunshot and could not stop myself from screaming uncontrollably once again.

"Lulu relax," my father said, as he held me down.

"She did this before," Dillon explained.

"We need a doctor in here," my father shouted into the hallway. I didn't hear anything else from reality for a while. My mind was still with Craig.

I suddenly heard Lainey's voice. "These fits are good," she told the two men.

"What do you mean good? Is she going to end up like Laura?" my father demanded.

"Her mind is trying to process what happened to her. Each of these fits is a direct result of a scenario playing out in her mind. She could be reliving what actually happened or she could be creating scenarios of what could have happened. Reality and fantasy right now have blurred in her mind. She isn't able to tell the difference between the two."

"My daughter is delusional?"

"I have spoken to some of the other hostages. This man tried to break them by inflicting them to games of psychological warfare. Lulu's younger than the other hostages and it is hardest for her in this situation to just overcome it. She obviously had accepted that she was going to die and had given up on trying to survive. Right now her mind is trying to come to terms with what has happened. She isn't just dealing with this hostage situation. That was her breaking point. Any memories or feelings that she repressed will have floated to the surface and she will be dealing with them too. She is going to be dealing with this for a long time."

"But she's not going to end up like her mother?" Dillon asked.

"The chances are very good that she will be able to overcome this. Just keep talking to her. Remind her that she is safe now. If she can hear you, there will be solace in that. I'll come back to check on her. There isn't anything I can do for her right now." I heard the door close, signaling that Lainey left.

"What was Laura like before she went into her catatonic state?" Dillon asked.

"She lost a lot of her memory. She couldn't remember her own children. She was confused and terrified."

"Did she act anything like Lulu is now?"

"I don't think so but Lulu was subjected to a different kind of trauma."

That was the last thing I heard. My world faded away. I sailed through many memories and then suddenly my mind went blank.

I opened my eyes and saw Dillon sitting in the chair by my bed. "Dillon," I said aloud.

He opened his eyes and I saw them fill with moisture. "Lulu, you're awake and you're talking. Luke…" Dillon called.

"What happened? Am I in the hospital?" I asked, frantically.

"Sweetheart, you're okay," my father assured me.

"Is the baby okay?" I asked, suddenly terrified.

"What baby?" Dillon asked.

"Our baby. I told you I was pregnant, remember?"

Dillon's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "You were pregnant a long time ago."

"No Dillon, I was pregnant the last time I was awake. Did something happen to the baby? How long have I been in here?" I started to cry. I felt absolutely terrified.

"Lulu calm down. What is the date?" Dillon asked, as my father ran to get a doctor.

"Last time I checked it was August 28th. How long have I been in here? I lost the baby didn't I? Was I in a car accident? Am I becoming my mother?"

Patrick Drake, and a doctor I didn't recognize, entered the room. "Where is Dr. Winters?" my father asked.

"Why do I need to see a psychiatrist?" I demanded. "Did I go crazy like Mom?"

"Dr. Winters is on her way in. For now Dr. Roberts is here," Patrick explained.

"He doesn't know Lulu's case," Dillon insisted.

"What case? What happened to me? How did I lose my baby?"

"Baby?" Dr. Robert's asked.

"I was pregnant the last time I was conscious," I insisted. I saw Dillon shaking his head and whispered something to the doctor.

"Excuse me, don't whisper about me like I'm not here. I deserve to know what happened to me. Did I get in an accident?" I shouted.

"Lulu, do you remember seeing your mother?" Patrick asked.

"At Shadybrook?"

"Do you remember when I married your mother?" my father asked.

"I wasn't born the first time you married her and when you went to remarry her, she lost her mind," I said, as if he were an idiot.

"What's the date?" Dr. Roberts asked.

"August 28th."

Patrick made a face. "Run neurological testing and get back to me."

"How long have I been out?" I cried.

"Lulu, you need to relax," Dillon whispered.

"I'll relax when you tell me why I'm here and what the hell happened to my unborn child."

"You were just involved in a very traumatic event and you needed some time to come to terms with it," Dr. Roberts said evasively.

"What happened? Why did I lose my baby?" I demanded.

"You didn't lose the baby," Dr. Roberts started. "You had an abortion."

"No I didn't. I think I would remember getting an abortion."

Dillon stroked his hand down my face. "I didn't kill our child," I said, as I started to cry. I could see his eyes starting to water as well. "Don't touch me. How can you touch me? You're lying to me. What happened to my child?" I screamed.

Lainey arrived and Dr. Roberts talked to her quietly on the other side of the room. "Okay, Lulu I'm going to tell you exactly what happened, as soon as we have some tests done. Can you agree to that?" Lainey said to me.

"Why should I trust you? You're all lying to me."

"I won't lie to you. Agree to the testing and then I'll tell you everything you want to know."

My father and Dillon both watched me as I made my decision. "Do you promise to tell me everything?" I asked vulnerably.

"I do," she promised.

I took a deep breath and then closed my eyes and tried to remember what put me in the hospital. I couldn't remember anything and I certainly didn't remember aborting my own child.

Dillon grabbed my hand before they wheeled me away. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"What, am I dying?" I suddenly exclaimed.

"No. Lulu you are not dying," Lainey said firmly.

My bed was wheeled away and I was put through a ringer of tests, including an EEG. I still could not remember what had put me in the hospital, no matter how hard I tried.

When all of the tests were completed I was wheeled back to my room. Lainey was waiting for me; Dillon and my father were no where to be found.

"So what's my prognosis?"

"You are suffering from a form of psychological trauma called post traumatic stress disorder. The trauma was so severe you have suffered amnesia. You don't remember anything that has happened in the last several months. It is not August. It is February."

"What happened to leave me unconscious for six months?"

"You were not unconscious. You were very much awake and participating in your life."

"What do you mean?"

"You were traumatized and your mind has transferred you back several months to a time when you felt less upset as a coping mechanism."

"Well what traumatized me?"

"We have lots of time to get into that. If I tell you everything now, you will recede further inside your mind…"

"And end up like my mother?"

"It's a possibility. Obviously this trauma was severe and if I took you back to what happened immediately the ramifications could be severe. We will get to it. First, let's start with the month of September."

"Fine."

"You remember getting pregnant?"

"Yes," I said, as I nodded. "I lied and Dillon broke up with Georgie. I ended up getting pregnant when he slept with me. That was right before he went back to her. Wait, what happened to get him to talk to me civilly, let alone cry for me?"

"That you would have to ask him. You struggled with this decision for several weeks; asking different opinions from each of your family members and family friends. Finally you decided to have an abortion."

"Why can't I remember killing my child?"

"Probably because the abortion left a lasting impression on your psyche. It was probably only the beginning of these feelings that caused you to shut down."

"So I killed my child, then what?"

"You struggled with the decision you made for quite a while. You contemplated dropping out of school. Finally you made the choice to go back and get an education. You and Dillon began to bond over the abortion, like it had permanently connected you. You struggled for a long time with this decision. You probably never actually dealt with it and let it go. Hence why your mind took you back to August before you'd done it."

"Well what else happened?"

"I would like to stop there. First, because you need to sleep, and second, because I don't want to overwhelm you with information. Tomorrow we'll pick up where we left off, okay?"

"No, I don't want to forget everything. Please I want to remember?"

"You will, but we have to take it slow," Lainey said.

"I don't want to take it slow. It's not like because you tell me, that I'll remember."

"I know but you need to process each thing I tell you or you'll just get overwhelmed again."

I sighed and stared at the IV drip that was attached to my arm. I felt so isolated. I couldn't remember anything that had gone on in the world in the last six months and I had been a part of it. The thought made me feel sick. I watched Lainey leave and then drifted back off to sleep.

**A/N2: I know that this doesn't exactly make a lot of sense that Lulu remembers one minute and then forgets everything the next. Remember though, this is Lulu telling this story years in the future. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: If anyone feels this story is confusing and that I'm not explaining what's happening well enough, please let me know. Thanks for reading.**

Tormented

Chapter 3

I awoke screaming several times in the night. No one had spent the night in my room with me, so no one was there to comfort me. I was alone. I desperately tried to remember something. I tried to remember what upset me in my dream every time I opened my eyes, but as soon as my eyelids slid open the dreams would dissipate and leave me feeling terrified without being able to know why.

As sunlight permeated through the small window in my stark white hospital room, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," I called gently. Nikolas pushed open the door. I stared at the scars and bruises that were spread across his face.

"What happened to you?" I asked softly.

"I got hurt," he said evasively.

"Was I there?" I asked, trying to remember how my brother's face ended up broken.

He nodded. "How are you feeling?"

"I have lost my memory Nikolas; how do you think I'm feeling?"

"I'm really sorry," he offered, as he leaned down and hugged me tightly. It took several minutes before he let me go and I felt the moisture on my hospital gown as soon as he did. "It will come back."

"What if it doesn't? What if it makes me crazy like mom? I am becoming Mom."

"No you're not. Believe me. You were subjected to something that was extremely traumatic. You just need time to come to terms with it. It does not mean that you will become like Mom."

"How come I'm the only one that is traumatized?"

"You're not. You're just the only one suffering from amnesia. We all have our nightmares. Believe me, everyone suffered from the trauma, yours is just most extreme."

"Will you please tell me what happened?"

"Lainey will tell you when she feels you're ready. I just want you to remember that we support you."

"Do you remember when I got the abortion?" I asked.

"Do you?"

"No. I woke up still thinking that I was pregnant."

"You made the best choice for you. You agonized over the decision and you did what was best. That was all anyone could have asked."

"Did Dillon support me?"

"He was conflicted. He wanted the baby but he also didn't."

"He didn't support me, did he?"

"He didn't want you to get the abortion."

"Did everyone hate me for it?"

"No, lots of people supported you. I thought you made the right decision."

"Did Lucky support me?"

"He was on drugs, Lulu. He was out of his mind during that time. Do you remember him taking pills?"

"Yeah, I remember him being on drugs but I just assumed he would have an opinion about my decision."

"You'll remember soon enough," he offered. "I can't stay. I just wanted to see that you were okay. I'll be back."

"Thanks for coming Nikolas."

"You're welcome."

I waved goodbye to him and then desperately tried to remember everyone's opinions on my abortion. I couldn't. There was still a mental block.

Someone else knocked on my door and I told them to come in. "Lulu," a voice said meekly.

I looked at the doorway and stared at the stranger. "Can I help you?"

"Blonde One, I'm so glad you're awake."

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"You don't remember me?" he asked, obviously hurt.

"No." The door opened again and my gaze met Dillon's. "Dillon who is this?"

"This is Spinelli. He's our friend," Dillon said. "We met him a few months ago."

"Our friend? Dillon, why are we friends? I had an abortion that you didn't want me to get." The guy that called himself Spinelli looked very confused and obviously upset.

"Lulu, we've been through a lot in the last few months. We moved past the abortion," Dillon explained.

"I obviously didn't, or my mind wouldn't have blocked it out," I spat. "What have we been through that has allowed you to forgive me for what I did to you and Georgie?"

"Spinelli, can you give us a moment alone?" Dillon asked.

Spinelli nodded. "I'm glad you're getting better Blonde One," he said before leaving.

"Blonde One?"

"He's eccentric, but he's a really nice guy."

"Seriously Dillon, why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because after the abortion we started to become a lot closer."

"There is one thing that hasn't changed with my amnesia and that is my ability to read you, so stop lying and leaving information out and tell me what happened. For me, all the things you said to me about breaking up you and Georgie, are fresh in my mind. I can't comprehend why you are being nice and its starting to freak me out."

"Okay listen, you don't remember the last six months because you suffered trauma and there is a reason your mind transported you back to that time. If I just start filling in the holes you're going to get as upset as what put you here and I will not be responsible for that. You will get information from Lainey. We've given her written statements on everything that transpired in the last six months. She's not going to miss anything, but I'm not going to do it for her. You'll get better on the doctor's terms."

"Can you just tell me what made you stop hating me?"

"I never hated you. I was mad at you for lying to me. I've had seven months to get over it. During that time we bonded over the pregnancy and then the abortion. We were there for one another a lot in the last few months and it has made us a lot closer than we ever were. The details will come back to you, as long as you take it slow and let Lainey do her job."

"I don't want to let Lainey do her job."

"You want to know what else hasn't changed with your amnesia?"

"I'd love to know."

"Your stubbornness," he said, as a large smile slid across his face.

"Are you and Georgie still together?"

He shook his head.

"What happened?"

"You are relentless."

"I just want to talk about something Dillon. Provide me with some ounce of normalcy."

"All right, so I saw a really cool movie a few weeks ago..."

I smiled as he said this. He was definitely the Dillon I remembered from before I lied to him, but was not the Dillon I remembered from August.

He excitedly talked my ear off about movies. It was so relaxing to listen to his voice. I felt a sense of calm in his presence.

Lainey finally arrived and booted Dillon out. He said goodbye to me and then left. "Are you ready to continue on?"

"I am very ready."

"You still remember nothing after August 28th?"

"That's right," I said pensively.

"Okay, so you had the abortion in mid September and at the end of October you were in for a very large shock. Dr. Scorpio had found a doctor who had a drug that could temporarily relieve your mother's condition."

"My mother came back?" I asked, tears flooding my eyes as I realized that I couldn't remember seeing her.

"She did. It was for less then a month. Your parents remarried and you were able to spend lots of time with her, before she went back to Shadybrook."

"Why can't I remember seeing my own mother?" I cried.

"It obviously left a lasting impression on your psyche."

I turned my attention to the window, suddenly feeling too tired to continue on. "Can we do this later?" I asked.

Lainey looked at me with concern. "What are you feeling?"

"I just feel really tired. I don't want to do this right now."

"You're upset that you can't remember seeing your mother. I would really like to explore why you feel so upset."

"I just need some time to digest that my mother was here and I don't remember. I've wanted my mother for so long and…"

"You feel like you're losing her again, don't you?"

"How can I lose her if I don't remember her being here?"

"Because deep in the recesses of your mind you do remember. It has flooded you with a sense of grief that you are unable to deal with. That is why your mind has blocked these memories out. You need to process this information and finally deal with it."

"I don't want to process anything. I want my memory back. I want to remember seeing my mother and having my abortion and meeting Spinelli. I want to remember what happened to my brother's face and what occurred that put me in here. I am tired of lying here feeling like its still the end of summer. I am tired of nightmares that disappear each time I wake up."

"I know, but none of that will happen until you process everything."

"Fine, what happened when my mother went back to Shadybrook?"

"You were devastated. To deal with the loss, you tried to prove that your mother was innocent of killing Rick Webber. However, those plans were put on hold when you were kidnapped by Alcazar's men in an attempt to help out a boy named Damien Spinelli."

"Spinelli, the guy that was in here today?"

"I guess so, that's just what Dillon told me."

"Okay, so I went to help Spinelli and Alcazar's men kidnapped me?"

"Yes, they took you to a warehouse and held you captive. Alcazar intended to kill you and Spinelli, but Jason intervened. With the help of Sonny, Jason got you out of there and then made you travel to Tennessee with him to get Spinelli."

"How did Spinelli get away from Alcazar's men?"

"One of the men made you drink tequila. When the bottle was empty, Jason had come into the room. You thought it was one of the bad men and knocked him unconscious. Spinelli took that opportunity to run, but you stayed to help Jason."

"So then I went to Tennessee?"

Lainey nodded. "You picked him up at his grandmother's house and returned to Port Charles. Since you helped Jason clear Sam's name…"

"How did I help Jason clear Sam's name?" I asked, suddenly confused at all the information that was flooding my mind.

"Spinelli was the key witness in exonerating Sam for a crime that she did not commit. By having you help Jason track down Spinelli, by extension you helped clear Sam's name."

"So now I'm back in Port Charles. Why didn't Alcazar come after me again?"

"Apparently Skye made him promise to stay away from you."

"Then what happened?"

"You enlisted Spinelli and Dillon's help in proving your mother's innocence."

"Did I prove her innocence?"

"Not yet. You have however, been working on it since December."

"Did I have any suspects?"

"You did, but they didn't pan out."

"Can I know who?"

"Not right now. If I continue this discussion, I'm going to start overwhelming you."

"Not knowing is going to overwhelm me," I muttered with frustration. "I need to know what happened. Please just tell me what happened to Nikolas' face."

"We will reach there soon. You need to take a break and process what you've been told now."

"Fine," I mumbled.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours, okay?"

I nodded and then turned my attention to the window. Boredom got the better of me and I slowly got out of bed, wrapped my blanket around myself and went to the window. I stared out into the streets and then noticed the smoking rubble that used to be the Metro Court. My whole body started to shake, my stomach churned with nausea, I began to feel light headed and suddenly I couldn't breathe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: Thank you writers for yesterdays perfect Dilu moment. I have gushed about the scene in every one of my stories. I think it's safe to say that I was very pleased with yesterdays writing regarding these two. I don't think I could have written it better, well unless he had have confessed his love for her, but that's just me. **

Tormented

Chapter 4

"Lulu are you okay?" Lucky asked, as he entered the room. I looked at him, terror spreading through my body. "Lulu, why are you out of bed?" I made an attempt to inhale but my trachea felt constricted. "Come on," he said, as he came to my side and helped me back into the bed. I tried to breathe again, as Lucky called a nurse.

Epiphany came into the room. "What's going on?"

"I found her standing by the window. She looked terrified."

"She's having an anxiety attack. Lulu you need to calm down," Epiphany said. I ignored her and continued trying to breathe. I felt pain in my arm and everything faded to black.

As I regained consciousness, I could hear the many voices in my room; both my brothers, Dillon, my father, and Lainey. They were all talking at once and I couldn't distinguish what was being said. "What happened?" I asked.

"You suffered a panic attack Lulu," Lainey explained.

"What happened to the Metro Court?" I asked, remembering the burning rubble. My father opened his mouth to explain.

"What do you remember?" Lainey interrupted.

"Nothing. Why? Was I there? I just saw the burning rubble from the window. What happened? Is that what happened to your face?" I asked Nikolas.

"The building was blown up with explosives," Lainey explained.

"Who blew it up?"

"A man who worked with Alcazar."

"Alcazar is responsible for blowing it up?"

"Not exactly. The man defied Alcazar and blew it up against his wishes."

"Why? Just tell me what happened. Stop whispering about it. Stop keeping information from me," I shouted. "Was I in there?"

"Yes," Lainey said gently. "You were in there."

"Why did it happen?"

"It was a robbery gone wrong Lulu," Nikolas explained, as he sat down on my bed.

"Why can't I remember? How is that so traumatic that it would erase my memory?"

"It wasn't the robbery or the bombing," Nikolas explained further.

"Well then what?" I shrieked.

"Lulu calm down," Lucky said.

"Nikolas you were there. Tell me what I don't remember."

"Lulu, your mind needs time to heal," my father insisted.

"Did he torture us? Is that why I don't remember?"

Nikolas nodded and I saw the tears that spilled down his face. "It's over now. We have to move on," Nikolas said softly.

"I can't move on if I don't remember what happened. Please tell me what happened."

"It's not time for you to remember."

I tried as hard as I could to remember being in the Metro Court. I imagined the lobby, the last time I could remember standing in it. Suddenly an image of a gunman dressed all in black appeared in my mind. He pressed the gun against my skin and I couldn't stop myself from screaming.

"Lulu, do you remember something?" Lainey asked with concern. "Tell me what you remember."

"Gunmen, dressed all in black..."

"That's right," Nikolas said gently. "But it's over and we made it out."

"Does that mean my memory is coming back?" I asked Lainey.

"Bits and pieces. However, it will be easier if we continue discussing everything in order. Let's continue on with your sessions."

"No, I want to remember the gunmen. I want to remember the Metro Court exploding."

"We will get there," she said with a gentle inflection in her voice.

"Nikolas," I said gently. "Why did the gunmen make me scream? Did he put the gun to me?" Nikolas started to cry and tried to get away. "What did he do to me?" I screamed, grabbing his arm and trying to hold him back.

"Lulu, you need to listen to Lainey. I can't just start telling you what happened," Nikolas responded.

"Yes, you can. I can handle it."

"Lulu, he was so horrible that it erased your memory. You cannot handle it. Follow the doctor's orders," he insisted.

"He's right Lulu. Lainey is in charge of your recovery," Lucky agreed.

"I know you want this to be over, but we will get there. Can you just hang on a little longer?" Lainey asked.

I nodded in defeat and tried to get back out of the bed. "Where are you going?" Dillon asked. I went to the window and stared at the rubble.

"Lulu it will be best if you focus your attention on me and not on what's left of the Metro Court," Lainey said.

I ignored her and stared outside. Suddenly I could hear a British accent. _"Miss Lulu…"_

"He was British," I exclaimed. "He called me Miss Lulu."

Nikolas nodded. "Okay, Lulu can you come back so we can try and restore your memory?" Lainey suggested.

I shrugged and made my way back to the bed. My family waved goodbye and left me alone with the doctor. "You continued investigating Rick Webbers murder through the month of December. On Christmas Eve, your aunt Bobbie gave you this." Lainey handed me my mother's engagement ring.

"I remember this ring, but I don't remember my aunt giving it to me."

"Your father had sent it. He wanted you to look after it."

"Why would my father trust me with such an important piece of his and my mother's past?"

"As your aunt Bobbie explained it, this ring is a symbol of their love and so are you."

The words struck a chord, but I couldn't explain why. "Oh," I answered, as tears suddenly flooded my eyes. I brushed them away with embarrassment. I couldn't place this overwhelming sense of emotion.

"Do you remember something?" Lainey asked with interest.

"More a sense of emotion. It's not really a memory."

"It is somewhere," she explained. "This is good. This is progress."

"What happened next?"

"That same night, Nikolas' nanny Colleen kidnapped Spencer…"

"What?" I exclaimed, as anger surged through my body. "That bitch hurt my nephew?"

"She didn't hurt him; she just kidnapped him. He was later taken from Colleen by Helena. Nikolas and Emily followed her to Greece and got Spencer back."

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine. During this time you, Dillon and Spinelli were still investigating the murder. You had come up with Alan Quartermaine as one of the suspects."

"Why Alan?" I asked with confusion.

"I don't know. That's just what Dillon told me. Anyway, the night Spencer was brought home was the night of a charity event at the Metro Court."

"Okay whoa, when is this happening?"

"A couple days ago?"

"Spencer was gone for almost two months?"

"Yes. Your whole family decided to attend, carrying over a party that had started because of Spencer's return home. While there, you took the opportunity to steal Alan's PDA so Spinelli could do something with it. You and Alan, among many others were in the lobby when several gunmen took over."

"What? That's what happened to the Metro Court?"

"Yes. You were held hostage with Carly, Sonny, Robin, Emily, Nikolas, Elizabeth, Sam, Maxie, Alan, Max, Father Mateo, and a few hotel employees. The gunmen filled the place with explosives and made you play little games to pass the time. Most of these games were used to break you down. They were used to destroy your psyche and lose all of your will to live. You reached that point."

"What do you mean I reached that point?"

"At some point during the situation, you came to terms with the fact that you were going to die. Apparently, after one rather torturous event with the leader of the hostage takers, you collapsed. You were then dragged into a room by yourself for about an hour. When you came back out, you were just rocking back and forth. You didn't speak, you didn't make eye contact; you just rocked."

"Like my mother?"

"Similar; but not exactly. When the situation came to an end, the explosives were set off with the detonator, giving you a 60 second grace period. Sonny Corinthos ended up carrying you out."

"Did anyone die?" I exclaimed, as the faces of all the names she mentioned flashed through my mind.

"During the hostage situation? No."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know if you're ready to hear this."

"I think I'm ready to hear this."

"All of the hostages made it out. Robin had been shot in the leg. Max had been shot in the shoulder. Father Mateo had been shot in the chest, but they all survived."

"Well that was my question." 

"Unfortunately, one of the hostages died in the hospital soon after."

"Which one?"

"Alan Quartermaine."

"Alan is dead?" Lainey nodded in response. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. He died of heart failure."

"Why was he in the lobby?" I demanded, afraid to hear the answer. When Lainey shrugged, I knew it was because he followed me down. "Can I be alone?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Nothing you do or say is going to make me feel any better. I just need some time alone," I insisted.

"I'll be back in an hour to check on you. Okay?"

I nodded, and climbed back out of the bed. I stared at the burning rubble and tried once again to restore my memory.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: I debated whether or not to wait until her memory came back to have things really progress with Dillon. I decided that their love can withstand anything. So I made my decision. Enjoy guys!**

Tormented

Chapter 5

My door opened and my gaze met another face I did not recognize. "Can I help you?" I asked.

"Lulu, I'm so happy you're okay."

"Do I know you?" I said in confusion.

"I'm Milo. You know? Sonny's bodyguard?"

"I don't remember you. I'm sorry. When did we meet?"

"When you were kidnapped by Alcazar. I helped rescue you."

"I don't remember anything after August 28th. I don't know you yet. My memory is supposed to come back," I offered to console him. He looked rather upset. "Were we close or something?"

"I thought we had a connection," he said gently.

"Well I'll do my best to remember you," I promised.

He nodded. "I brought this for you," he said, as handed me a smoothie.

"Thank you," I exclaimed. "That's really sweet."

He smiled and we both turned to the door as it opened. Dillon stood in the doorway. "Dillon, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"I wanted to see how you were doing," he explained. "Lainey told us that she told you about Alan." 

"It was my fault, wasn't it?" I asked, as tears sprang to my eyes.

"No it was not your fault. You had no idea that the gunmen were going to take over the lobby."

"I was the reason he was in there Dillon."

Dillon shook his head. "I was the reason you were in there." I watched the tears that filled his eyes as the words spilled from his mouth.

"Can you give us a moment alone?" I asked Milo. He nodded, waved gently and then left the room. "How is it your fault?"

"I should have taken the PDA to Spinelli," he explained, as he sat down in the chair beside my bed.

"It's not your fault. It was my idea to prove my mother's innocence. I'm sure I was stubborn."

"You're not responsible for anything. You wanted to do this for your mother. It meant a lot to you."

"I probably foolishly believed it would bring my mother back too, didn't I?"

"At first. Then Jason told you about his head injury and you realized that your mother's condition is irreversible. You accepted it. You realized that you needed to do it for you."

"Why did you forgive me for getting an abortion?"

"We weren't ready to be parents. You had a very valid argument when you considered your options. You were convinced you made the right decision."

"But you weren't."

"Not at first. I was mad and then over time I realized why you did it. I came to terms with it. I know you made the right decision."

"I wish I could remember making the decision."

"It was very hard on you. We were all horrible to you. People were telling you what to do left and right."

"Hey, I remember some of that. I remember your family finding out. I remember not wanting to have a child, but that's it. I don't remember telling you about wanting an abortion. I don't remember your family finding out. I don't remember anything."

"You persevered. You did what you thought was right, regardless of everyone telling you not to do it. Your father and Nikolas supported you completely."

"Well how does any of this bring us closer?" I demanded. "I don't understand why you still talk to me."

"Listen, we were both hurting after the abortion. You felt empty for a long time. You didn't want to do anything. You felt lost. I felt those things too. It was like the loss and emptiness connected us. We were both very depressed and we fed off one another's depression. We also overcame it together.

"Watching you struggle with your mother's relapse hurt me. I hated seeing you in that much pain. Then suddenly you disappeared and I was terrified that something was seriously wrong. I was desperate to find you. I didn't know at the time that Alcazar was holding you captive. I found out after the fact. That was when you asked for my help in proving your mother's innocence and I vowed I would not let you down. I wanted to see you find happiness again. The investigation brought us even closer, but I didn't realize it at the time. In fact, I didn't actually realize how much you meant to me until you were inside of the Metro Court during the hostage situation."

"What are you saying?"

"As the minutes ticked by all of my memories of you flashed through my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was in love with you."

"You love me?" I exclaimed.

"Very much," he said with a gentle nod. He reached for my hand and rubbed his fingers against my knuckles. "I realized my world would diminish if you were not in it. I need you."

I smiled at him. "I wish I could remember some of this," I said gently.

"You will. It will come back over time, but until it does, I just want to be here for you. If you're not comfortable being close to me, I'll understand. I know your mind is still stuck back in August and I am willing to wait until you feel you can trust me again."

"I don't think I ever stopped trusting you. You meant a lot to me before I got pregnant. I don't know what happened after that. I'm going to assume we probably fought a lot about the abortion and that words were exchanged that were hurtful. I also know that I probably never stopped trusting you. I have to admit, though I can't remember anything, the sound of your voice and your touch seems to give me a sense of security that I cannot explain. I doubt I ever stopped loving you. So if you want to be by my side during my recovery, I certainly won't stand in your way."

"Are you sure you want me here?"

"I wouldn't want anyone more than I want you," I whispered, just before his mouth captured mine in a gentle kiss.

When he pulled away, I looked at him. "So what's the deal with Milo?"

"He works for Sonny and has a major crush on you."

"So we never went out right?"

"No, but he likes you."

"That's so cute," I said.

"It actually kind of is. I feel bad when he finds out that he doesn't have a chance."

"I don't want to break his heart," I exclaimed.

"I'm sure he'll understand," Dillon whispered.

The door opened again and my father stood in the doorway. "Young Spielberg, so nice to see you and my daughter so cozy, but I need a moment with her."

Dillon slowly extricated his hand from mine. I didn't want him to leave me.

"Yes father?" I said as Dillon closed the door behind himself.

"I was worried about you. I was hoping you felt up to talking to your old man."

"What brought you into town this time?" I asked, somewhat bitterly. "It's not like you've come home for me before."

"Actually I did. I came home when you were pregnant. You probably don't remember. I stayed by your side through the entire ordeal."

"What about when Mom relapsed?"

"I was hurting a lot and I didn't know how to be a father to you."

"So you left again? You left me with such a heavy burden?" I muttered viciously. "Thanks Dad, always knew I could count on you."

"I know I've been a lousy father. I know that I have hurt you a lot, but I was hoping this situation could be a fresh start."

"My memory didn't erase enough. I can't just forget about you wanting nothing to do with me, as much as I try."

"I love you. You're my little girl."

"Gee, when did that epiphany come to you?"

"You have every right to be mad. You have every right to hate me, but I was hoping you would give me a chance to finally be the father that you deserve."

"Don't you think it's a little late?"

"That's for you to decide. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I really do care about you," he offered and I saw the genuine emotion in his eyes.

"Do you really want to be here for me?"

He nodded. "I'm ready to be your father."

"Well, I'd like to let you try."

"I am going to do my best not to let you down."

"I'm happy to hear that," I said gently, as he embraced me.

He went to the window and stared out at the burning rubble. "I would never have forgiven myself if something worse had happened to you in there," he muttered.

"I'm physically fine. Mentally is another story."

"I know you can fight this. I know you can overcome this."

"What if I turn out like Mom?"

"You look like your mother. You have your mother's heart, but you have the Spencer spirit and passion. I know you will fight this amnesia with everything that you've got. I also know that you will win. Its going to take time, but you are not going to fade."

"I'm glad you have such faith in me."

"I am very proud of you. You have been thrown a lot of obstacles in your life. You have also overcome each one. This is just another obstacle that I know you can move past."

"Thanks Dad."

"You're welcome," he whispered. "You should probably get some rest."

I nodded. "Do you mind sending Dillon back in for a while?"

"Ah, Young Spielberg, I don't see why not."

I smiled as he slipped from the room and waited patiently for Dillon's return. He pushed open my door and sat down in the chair beside the bed. "I was told you wanted me?" he said delicately.

"I don't want to sleep alone," I said vulnerably. "Every time I close my eyes, my subconscious floods me with nightmares of what happened. Unfortunately I can't remember any of them when I wake up."

"You don't have to sleep alone," he said, as he reached for my hand and held it tightly with his.

"Can you lay with me?" I asked.

"I'd be happy to," he whispered, before crawling into the bed beside me and spooning me against his body. He wrapped his arm firmly around my waist and held me tight, so that I could safely fall asleep. The scent of his cologne comforted me in ways I could not explain. Never had anything felt more right than being wrapped in Dillon's arms and I felt for the first time since I had awoke, without my memory, that maybe everything could be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital. **

**A/N: OMG, the Dilu scenes were awesome yesterday. They were so perfect. Calling her his best friend and kissing her head and everything. This is the stuff fanfics are made of. Keep it coming writers, I love it. **

Tormented

Chapter 6

Dillon was supposed to be kicked out of my room as visiting hours came to an end, but my aunt Bobbie allowed him to stay. I awoke several times screaming in the night. Dillon would whisper soothing words to me and pull me tighter against him each time I did. I had no recollection of any of these haunting nightmares by the time my eyelids flew open, but the fear from these repressed memories remained.

Morning finally came and I felt like I had slept a total of ten minutes. Lainey had come into my room and told me I'd be being discharged that morning. It was decided I'd stay with Nikolas at Wyndemere, since I wasn't ready to face the Quartermaines. While I was to have my session with Lainey, Dillon was going to collect some clothes for me to wear and take to Nikolas'.

Lainey sat down beside my bed and looked me over. "How did you sleep last night?" she asked with concern.

"I didn't," I muttered. "I woke up a million times during the night, because of nightmares that I can't ever remember any part of."

"It will get better. I'm going to provide you with some sleeping pills until your quality of sleep improves. I want to spend a few minutes today talking about how you feel about everything you have been told. Then we'll start trying to restore your memory."

"Well I feel detached from everything, as if it's some story. I don't remember any of this, so none of it sounds real. I know it is; I just can't feel it."

"This is another symptom of post traumatic stress disorder," she explained. "Your body has forced you to emotionally detach yourself from everything to stop it from hurting you. This is very normal for the trauma you underwent."

"When will I start going back to normal?"

"I can't answer that. The only thing that can help you is time. You will get your life back," she insisted. "That's why I'm here."

"Was my mother happy when she came back?" I suddenly asked.

"Your mother was very happy that she had that time with her family."

"How did she feel about my abortion?"

"She understood and was proud that you were able to make such a tough decision and follow through."

"She wasn't disappointed?"

"Not in the least," Lainey insisted.

"How long was she back?"

"Just over three weeks."

"Did her and my father remarry?"

"Sort of…"

"What do you mean?"

"Your father knew that her recovery was only temporary, so he hired an actor to pose as a minister and he put together a false ceremony."

I grimaced. "That sounds like my father. He couldn't even give my mother the one thing that she wanted when he had access to the Quartermaine money."

"He did make your mother very happy while she was back."

"Well he's usually pretty good at bullshitting his way through most situations."

"What is your relationship like with your father?" Lainey asked.

"Well I'm bitter and resentful when I think of him. When I was little he divorced my mother, because I brought Nikolas into his life. Then, when my mother went into a catatonic state, he dropped me off at my grandmothers and never bothered to call. I was there for years before my grandmother got sick of me and drove me to the Quartermaine's. I heard him and my grandmother talking and I heard him say that I was, 'my mother's project and that he didn't want to be my father.'"

I watched the look of sympathy that crossed Lainey's face. "I'm sorry that you heard that. What happened after that?"

"She left me there. My father and I either fought, or he ignored me. He tried to buy me off a few times. Then I got sick. I almost died during the epidemic and my father fought for me to live. Then he left for the Markhaam Islands. I thought he was in trouble so Dillon and I went after him. He basically told me he didn't really want me around and sent me away. I was really hurt and Dillon became the only friend I had. When my father returned again, I put on a mask around him, deciding to never let him hurt me again. Dillon was still the only one there for me and I decided I wanted him for myself. So I took it upon myself to end his relationship with Georgie. I lied and told him that I saw her having sex with Diego Alcazar. Dillon broke up with her and fell into bed with me. When the truth cane out, he hated me for it. I ended up pregnant and I had no idea where to turn because the one and only person I wanted was my mother and she was obviously unavailable. My father of course, wasn't around. That's kind of where my memory just goes blank."

"Everyone I've spoken to says that you and your father became a lot closer while you were dealing with your pregnancy. He came back for you and he helped you through it."

"Then he left me when my mother relapsed. That's my father, around until things get tough."

"I don't know enough about your relationship with your father. I don't know much about your father, but I've heard about the love your parents shared. I saw it when your mother was back. I know that you need your father, but he was reeling with the loss of your mother just like you were. I'm not excusing him leaving you, but maybe he needed time in order to be the father that you need."

I closed my eyes and contemplated what she'd said. "I guess that makes sense. He really does seem to want to make it work with me this time around."

"Are you going to let him?"

I nodded. "Its time I forgave him, I think."

Lainey kept me talking for a while. She made several attempts at describing detail in hopes that it would trigger something in my brain and restore my memory. That didn't work out so well. By the end of the hour, I was no further ahead than when it began. She promised that the session I had to have the next day would be more promising. Then she handed me my prescription for sleeping pills and left the room.

As if on cue, Dillon entered and handed me some clean clothing. He had picked a pair of jeans and a pink t – shirt, along with a white jacket. "I didn't know what you'd want to wear."

"Anything is better than the hospital gown," I exclaimed. "This is perfect, it matches and everything."

"I'll leave you alone to get changed," he whispered, before leaning down to kiss my forehead. As he went to pull away, I grabbed his head and pulled his mouth to mine. The kiss started out delicate, but then deepened. His tongue grazed my lips and I parted them to allow him entrance. Suddenly we heard someone clear their throat and pulled apart to see Lucky standing in the doorway.

"Sorry to interrupt," Lucky said. "Are you almost ready to go?"

I nodded and Dillon followed Lucky out of the room. I got out of the bed and stood momentarily at the window, as I watched the wreckage still smoldering.

Finally I changed, and waited patiently for my family to retrieve me. A nurse came in and told me I was free to go. I followed her out of the room and found my family waiting in the lobby. Even Elizabeth was there. "Lulu, I'm so glad you're okay," she said, before throwing her arms around me. I stopped dead, in complete shock as I stared at her expanded waist.

"Whoa, no one mentioned that you were pregnant."

"Oh, honey I'm sorry. Everyone forgot you didn't know."

"That happens when your memory erases itself. So when is my niece or nephew coming?" I asked gently.

"The baby will be born in May," Elizabeth offered.

"Well congratulations," I said, as she hugged me one more time. As she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, I suddenly felt very empty while thinking about the baby that I no longer had.

Dillon sensed the change in my mood and placed his hand on my shoulder. His touch offered me a small amount of comfort, but I was grieving a child I did not remember losing.

We left the hospital and went directly to Wyndemere. Nikolas explained that he had to run and see Emily. Elizabeth offered to go with him. So Lucky and Dillon followed me inside. So far I was surprised Lucky hadn't mentioned the kiss he'd witnessed.

Suddenly Lucky's cell phone started ringing. He was needed at the station. This left me alone with Dillon. "What do you want to do?" Dillon asked.

"I need a shower, very badly."

Dillon smiled. "Okay."

"Will you come upstairs with me?"

He nodded cautiously and followed me up to the room Nikolas had put me in. I went into the bathroom and started running the water. "Do you want me to wait out here?" Dillon asked from the bed where he was sitting.

I walked into the bedroom and stared at him for a moment. Then I walked up to him and pushed him so that he tumbled onto his back. I straddled him and smiled. "What I want Dillon, is to make up for lost time."

"Don't you think this is a little too soon?" he asked, somewhat concerned.

I shook my head as I lowered my mouth to his. He deepened the kiss instantly and flipped us over so I was beneath him. "I love you, but you're not in a good place and I refuse to take advantage of you," Dillon whispered.

"You'd never take advantage of me. You haven't changed that much since I last remember you," I whispered. "I need to feel normal Dillon. I'm tired of feeling empty and lost and scared. Please, just be with me."

"Sleeping with me isn't going to bring your memory back. It's not going to make anything easier."

"It will make me feel loved."

"You are loved. I will love you as long as there is breath in my body."

"Please, just be with me," I whispered, as tears spilled down my cheeks and onto the sheets. Dillon brushed them away and I saw the tears that filled his own eyes.

"I don't want you to regret it. Your memory is going to come back and I want to make sure this is what you really want."

"You are the one thing I want most in this world. I don't know what happened in the last six months. I was told small details and given a basic timeline, but my own emotions and actual conversations are gone. However, when you're with me I feel safe and secure. It didn't change Dillon. I need you. I'm begging you."

"I can't hurt you again."

"What do you mean again?"

"I hurt you in the summer Lulu. I know that you lied and broke up Georgie and I, but you got hurt too. I hate that. I hate that what happened to you since then, was so traumatic it erased your memory. I don't want to risk losing you again. You mean too much to me and sleeping with me now might push you over the edge."

I pulled away from him and stood up. "I couldn't go much further over the edge Dillon. I can't remember the last six months of my life. I don't remember ending the life of our child. I don't remember my mother coming back. I don't remember being kidnapped and meeting Milo and that weird guy, and I don't remember being taken hostage. It's not fair Dillon. I want to remember. I want my memories back. I want to know that I made the right decision. I want to see my mother's smiling face. I want to remember what happened to my brother's face. I can't. I feel like I'm running into a brick wall. You want to be here for me then be here for me. Give me something."

"I will give you anything, but I know you want to sleep with me to fill this void Lulu and it won't work. Nothing will magically be fixed because we had sex. You need to know that. I watched you struggle. I remember the pain you endured over the last six months. I can't watch that again. I will certainly not be the cause."

"You're not. You wouldn't be," I shouted, trying to stop the tears that were flooding my face. "I know that sex won't bring back my memories, but it will take me back to the best time of my life and that was when I was with you. It may have been wrong, but that is the best memory I have Dillon. When you held me in the boathouse, I felt a connection to you that I need back. I can't continue on without being with you. I need you to give me strength. Look at my life, it is riddled with broken dreams and shattered promises. I lied to get you in bed, but for those few weeks when you were with me my life felt right. It doesn't feel right now." My head started to pound and I collapsed onto the bed.

"Okay, stop," Dillon said, as he sat beside me. "You're going to hurt yourself."

I turned to him. "I'm terrified. I don't want to become her."

He pulled me tightly against him and I rested my head on his shoulder as I sobbed. "I won't leave you. Sex isn't the only way to show that I love you."

"I know, but being with you makes me feel human." I looked up at him and kissed him. He kissed me back and then finally we fell back on the bed together. He wiped the moisture from my face and then peeled off my shirt. His lips caressed my bare skin. He pulled me up and we lost our clothing as we went into the bathroom and climbed into the shower. The hot water enveloped our bodies as we came together and for only a few moments my life felt calm and safe and even happy. My love for Dillon had obviously survived a lot of hardships and it was the only thing at that moment that would keep me going.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

Tormented

Chapter 7

We finally emerged from the shower and got redressed. I had never felt closer to Dillon than in that moment. He was my rock, the only form of stability on which I felt I could rely. Before leaving the room, Dillon grabbed my arm and pulled me into his. I rested my head on his shoulder as he hugged me tightly. "I almost lost you," he whispered.

"But you didn't. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere," I responded.

"I love you Lulu. Please tell me you believe that."

"I believe you Dillon and I love you too." I lifted my gaze to his and our mouths crashed together.

I then opened the bedroom door and went in search of my nephew. I found him in his room with his nanny. I stood dumbstruck for a few moments as I stared at the size of him. "Spencer," I whispered. Spencer looked at me and smiled, well at least he remembered me, I thought.

He crawled to me and I lifted him from the floor. "You are so big," I cried. "I can't believe how big you are."

"I don't think we've met," the nanny said as she extended her hand. "I'm Norma."

"I'm Lulu, Nikolas' sister."

"Have you been away long?" the woman asked.

"No, I have amnesia," I explained.

She looked at me with concern. "I'm sorry," she offered.

"My memory should come back," I said gently. I pressed my lips to Spencer's fuzzy head and inhaled the scent of his baby shampoo. It triggered something and I could see his family all huddled around him. Lucky, Elizabeth, Emily, Nikolas, Bobbie and Mike were all there with us.

"Are you okay Lu?" Dillon asked with concern.

"I'm fine," I lied. "I just want to spend some time with my nephew."

"Okay," Norma said. "Just holler if you need me."

"We'll be fine," I insisted. I sat down in the rocking chair and placed the baby on my lap. I then handed him one of his little teddy bears and watched as he cuddled it to his chest. I felt something break inside of me, like a dam bursting with my emotions. I began to cry hard as I held the baby close to my body.

Dillon was at a loss for words. "Lulu, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," I sputtered between sobs.

"Did you remember something?"

"No, that's the problem. I can't remember anything. I can't remember my mother holding Spencer for the first time, or watching Spencer grow, or being there for my brother when Spencer was kidnapped. I want to remember something."

Dillon removed Spencer from my lap, who was surprisingly calm considering I had been sobbing. "Come on, I have something to cheer you up," Dillon said. I followed him warily from the room. I couldn't shake the sensation of emptiness I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Dillon entered the living room and placed Spencer onto his lap, as he sat down. "What are we doing?" I asked.

"Spending time with your nephew," Dillon insisted.

"Well we left his toys upstairs."

"We don't need all these new modern toys to play with him," Dillon responded.

"What is it that you have in mind?"

Spencer looked between the two of us and then focused his attention on Dillon, who was making a face at him. Spencer giggled.

"How about going outside?"

"Dillon it is freezing outside. I am not about to give my brother's baby hypothermia."

"That's what snowsuits are for."

I reached down and removed Spencer from Dillon's lap. "Dillon I don't want to run the risk of him getting sick. He was just kidnapped."

"He's not going to get sick. We'll wrap him up and it's not that cold out."

"If there is snow on the ground it is cold out."

"Lulu its almost 50 degrees out. There is snow melting."

"Do you think my brother would forgive me if Spencer got sick?"

"You're overreacting Lulu. Watch," Dillon said, as he grabbed Spencer's little snowsuit and boots. He removed the infant from my arms and wrapped him completely in the winter clothing. He was covered from head to toe, with only his little face peaking out.

"I don't know Dillon."

"Lulu, live a little," Dillon said, as he tossed me my winter coat. I pulled it over my shoulders and Dillon put on his coat and the three of us emerged into the outside air. It wasn't as cold as I thought it was and Spencer seemed happy to get the fresh air.

"What do you plan on doing?" I asked.

Dillon bent over and placed something in Spencer's hand. He jerked Spencer's hand forward and a big ball of snow came at me.

"Spencer, whose side are you on?" I exclaimed.

"Mine," Dillon replied.

I laughed for the first time since I could remember. I ran after Dillon and took my nephew from him. "He is not on your side. I am his favourite aunt."

Dillon grinned and moved towards me. He pressed his mouth to mine gently. Of course the realization came to me and I couldn't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. "This could have been us."

"What could have been us?" Dillon asked.

"If I were still pregnant, this could be us together as a family."

"Lulu, don't do this. You can't live with what if. That baby is gone, but someday you can have another one, when we're ready."

"I can't stop thinking about it. I can't help wondering if I made a mistake."

"You didn't. You did what was best for us."

"You didn't think that back then."

"But I do now. You made a very hard decision and it was the right one. We need to grow up and get practice playing with your nephew and then someday when we're ready, we can be this family."

I smiled at him. "Now, let's build a snow man," Dillon insisted, as he leaned down and started rolling a ball of snow.

I placed Spencer down on his feet and held onto his hands so he could walk through the snow. He pulled his hands away and dropped onto the soft, wet ground. Then he giggled and lifted some snow in his little mitten covered hands.

"That's snow Spencer. You have to throw it at Dillon. I'll show you," I said, as I lifted some in my own hands and tossed it at Dillon's back. He laughed and threw one right back at me. Spencer watched the flying snow and began to laugh again.

"Hey what are you guys doing?" Nikolas asked, from where he was standing with Elizabeth.

"I am teaching your son, how to throw snow at Dillon," I said, before lifting his little body from the ground.

"Sounds good," Nikolas said.

I smiled and brought Spencer over to see his father. "Hey Buddy," Nikolas cooed. "Are you having fun with your aunt Lulu?"

"Of course he is," I exclaimed. "How was Emily?"

"She spends most of her time worrying about everyone else."

"How is it over there?" Dillon asked.

"Really quiet," Elizabeth said.

"It's surprisingly serene. There is no fighting; it felt surreal," Nikolas said.

"I should go," Elizabeth said. "Where's Lucky?"

"He got called into work," I explained.

"Okay, well I'm going to head home."

"Thanks for coming with me Liz," Nikolas said.

"You're welcome," she said, as he embraced her. Then she hugged me. "I'm so glad you're getting better."

"Not really."

"Being released from the hospital is the first step," she offered.

"I better head home and check on everything before tomorrow," Dillon said.

"What's tomorrow?" I asked.

"Alan's funeral," Nikolas explained.

"Oh," I said morosely.

"Are you going to be able to go?" Nikolas asked with concern.

"Of course. I'll be fine," I lied.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning," Dillon whispered, before pressing his lips to my temple.

I turned to him and smiled. "Thank you for being here," I whispered. He kissed me gently.

I then turned to my brother, who was standing with a large smile on his face. I blushed under his watchful eye. Dillon left and I followed my brother into the house and gently removed Spencer's snowsuit.

"How are you feeling?" Nikolas asked.

"I'm just trying to feel normal."

"Just give it time."

"I can't believe how big Spencer is now. The last I remember, he was lying in my cradled arms. He was so little."

"He remembers you."

I smiled as he burrowed his face into my shirt. "Did I spend a lot of time with him?"

"You did until after Mom's relapse. You kind of fell off the face of the Earth for a while."

"What do you mean? When I was kidnapped?"

"KIDNAPPED? When were you kidnapped?"

"Lainey said I was kidnapped by Alcazar's men and Sonny had to save me."

Nikolas stood dumbstruck for a moment. "You never told Lucky or I. We had no idea. Did he hurt you?"

"I don't think so. I don't know the details. Someone told Lainey, so someone must know what really happened."

Nikolas seemed very concerned. "Once Spencer was kidnapped, I was gone for a long time searching for him."

"Do you remember Mom telling us she was innocent?" I asked.

Nikolas' eyes opened very wide. "What are you talking about?"

"Okay, so something else I obviously didn't tell you."

"Mom is innocent?"

"I don't know. I don't remember any of this."

"Can you make me a deal?" I nodded. "From now on, and when your memory returns, can you try and keep Lucky and I in the loop? Can we please be aware of what is going on in your life?"

"I think I can try that," I agreed.

"So how was he today?" Nikolas asked, as he motioned to his son.

"He was good. So what was it like during this hostage crisis?"

"It was hell, an actual version of hell. The leader tortured us. We all thought we were going to die. It felt like the end," Nikolas said. "I was terrified that I was going to lose you and Emily and Elizabeth and I would never see Spencer again." The tears spilled from his eyes as he said this.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't make you relive it."

"It's okay. I want you to recover and if talking about it helps, then we'll talk about it."

"So are you and Emily back together?" I asked delicately.

"We sure are."

"I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you. Now little sister, what do you want to do tonight?"

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I spent time with my brother. We ate dinner together and talked about old times. He told me all about the few weeks Mom was back. I could almost see my mother smiling at us, and Spencer when she saw him for the first time. I imagined her voice soothing me with its gentle inflection. I imagined her smell comforting me as I was wrapped in her embrace. These memories were not real, they were simply creations of my imagination that would never replace the real ones buried deep within my psyche.

Hours after Nikolas had returned home, Emily appeared. Her presence was solemn, and it was obvious that she was morbidly depressed. I apologized to her about her father, embraced her for a moment as a small offer of comfort and then I bid my brother and his ex wife good night, so that they could be alone.

I laid down on the bed in my room and stared at the ceiling. I tried to remember something from the last six months; anything to get me through the night. Nothing returned to me and I was left still feeling empty inside. I pulled out the pills from Lainey, popped two into my mouth and tried to fall asleep.

I awoke to my brother's soothing voice, as he whispered words of comfort to me in the darkened room. "Lulu, it's okay. It's just a nightmare."

I opened my eyes and stared at his darkened face. A light switched on and I met my brother's concerned gaze. He was holding me at that point and Emily was standing next to the bed. "Did you remember something?" Emily asked hopefully.

I shook my head. "I don't ever remember the nightmares. If I did, I'd probably have my memory back. I'm okay now, you guys can go back to bed," I offered.

"Lulu, you were screaming," Nikolas exclaimed. "You're not okay."

"I'll be fine. I don't know what the nightmares were about, so it's not like it will haunt me."

"Did you take the sleeping pills?"

I nodded. "I took them and I think I slept pretty well until now."

"I can stay in here with you," Emily offered.

"I'll be fine. Thanks for checking on me," I whispered.

"You're sure?" Nikolas asked.

I nodded again and laid back down on the soft mattress. My brother brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "You know where to find me if you need me," he said, before he and Emily slipped from the room and left me alone once again.

I climbed out of the bed and found my cell phone. I dialed Dillon's cell number, one thing that remained locked in my memory bank. He picked up after four rings; his voice was laced with sleep. "Hello."

"I'm sorry to wake you," I whispered, suddenly feeling horrible.

"Lulu, what's wrong?" he demanded, his voice getting louder with each syllable.

"Nothing, I had more nightmares. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Do you know what they were about?"

"No, but they must have been pretty bad because I woke up Emily and Nikolas."

"Emily is there?"

"Yeah, she showed up around ten. How are things there?"

"You couldn't cut the tension with the sharpest knife in the world. It's remarkably silent, almost eerie. People just kind of avoid one another."

"Is my Dad there?"

"Yeah, he's with my Mom. Do you want to talk to him?"

"No, I just needed to hear your voice for a moment, to know that you're really here for me."

"Do you want me to come there?"

"No, you'd never get a boat at this hour and I don't want Spencer to be woken up. I'll see you tomorrow morning at the funeral."

"Are you sure you're up to it?"

"I better be. I'm responsible for his death."

"Don't even go there. You are not responsible. Horrible things happened that night, but you didn't cause any of it. You are a victim Lulu, not a killer. I refuse to hear you talk about yourself that way. I love you too much."

"That's sweet Dillon. Thanks for being here for me today."

"I will be there for you, whenever you need me to be."

"You're too good to me."

"I'm not good enough. You amaze me, you know that?"

"I think that's my line. I mean look at everything you have forgiven me for and God knows I don't deserve it."

"Can you do me one favour? Stop blaming yourself. You're a wonderful person. Sure you've made mistakes, so have I. For example, I should never have let you go back in the summer, but now I have another chance with you and I vow that I will not screw it up."

"I love you Dillon. I really do."

"I love you too."

"I'm going to go back to sleep. I don't want big black circles under my eyes in the morning."

"Sounds good. I'm here if you need me."

"Good night Dillon."

"Night Lu."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. My exams are coming up.**

**  
**Tormented

Chapter 8

Nikolas knocked on my door the next morning to wake me up. I opened my eyes and grumbled at the pain that ripped through my head. I gathered all of my energy and rolled off of the soft mattress. I went downstairs and found Emily sitting listlessly on the sofa. Tears slowly streamed down her pale face.

"I have coffee," Nikolas announced awkwardly, as he entered the room with a tray of mugs. Emily hadn't heard him. Her gaze was still focused on the other side of the room.

"Morning," Elizabeth said as she and Lucky entered the room dressed for the funeral.

"You're early," Nikolas said.

"We figured we would get an early start," Elizabeth explained.

"How are you feeling?" Lucky asked me.

"I'm fine," I lied. My attention was still focused on Emily.

Nikolas sat down beside Emily and gently touched her arm. She snapped out of her trance and accepted the mug of coffee.

The five of us sat together for a few moments before we broke apart to get ready. I went upstairs, showered and got dressed in my favourite black dress. I admired my appearance in the mirror for a moment to ensure I was satisfied. Then I left the room and went to quickly say goodbye to Spencer.

The whole ride to the Quartermaines was oppressively silent. Everyone seemed afraid to say something wrong. So I twiddled my thumbs until we pulled into the driveway.

Alice opened the door for us and gave Emily a gentle apologetic smile. We followed Emily into the room. "Miss Lulu, I'm glad to see you up and around," Alice whispered as I walked by. I smiled at her and then went further into the foyer.

Dillon was standing with Georgie and she was apologizing for his loss. As much as the sight of her still annoyed me, I decided they needed a moment alone. So I backed up to be with Lucky and Liz for a while. Lucky rested his hand on my shoulder and I leaned into his touch. This was one of those times when I truly relied on the support of my brother.

"How are you feeling Gumdrop?" my father asked as he came to see us.

"I'm fine. I shouldn't be your concern right now," I insisted.

"You are always my concern," he said gently.

"Your wife needs you."

My father talked to the three of us for a few moments and then I broke away from the group. I was feeling overwhelmed and was beginning to feel as though I was being held below water. I went into an empty room and dropped into a chair. I focused on my breathing until I calmed down.

I suddenly heard muffled crying and realized Monica was standing near the window. I had never had much of a relationship with Monica, but since I felt responsible for Alan's death, I felt it was my duty to comfort her. I approached Monica, who was staring out into the yard. I followed her gaze and looked out at the snow covered lawn, which had buried Lila's rose garden. "I'm sorry Monica," I whispered.

She turned to look at me in surprise. "Lulu, I didn't know that you'd been released from the hospital yet. I'm sorry about your memory."

"It's okay. How are you doing?" I asked with concern.

"Oh you know. I have my good moments. Everything just feels so foreign."

"I'm sorry if I did anything to upset him in the last six months."

"No honey. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just trying to bring justice to your mother. Alan would never begrudge you for that."

"Well I know how I can be when I want my way. I don't think first and I just throw people out of the way."

"You're passionate. There is nothing wrong with that."

"Well I think I need to learn a better way to be passionate."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"That I was pregnant and that everyone had just found out. I don't remember wanting an abortion though."

"That took a lot out of you."

"Has the family been riding you since Alan's passing?"

"Wouldn't you know it? All they do is fight about the littlest things. We fought about a picture earlier. I hate it."

"I don't blame you for wanting to escape."

"I guess we both are victims of being tossed into the centre of this family."

"Well just get yourself some mace. They'll back off."

Monica smiled. "That is a great idea. I should be getting back out there."

"I'm really sorry for your loss."

"Me too," she said sadly, before hanging her head and returning to the foyer. I waited a few minutes before I felt I could face everyone again.

I emerged from the room and felt a hand on my arm. I turned to look into Dillon's eyes that glistened with unshed tears. I pulled him into my arms and ran my hand up and down his back as he fell apart. "I'm so sorry," I whispered into his shoulder.

I led Dillon back into the empty room and we sat down on the sofa. He rested his head on my shoulder as I took his hand in mine. "I thought I would be okay. I loved my uncle but we were never that close. I can't believe he's dead. No more listening to him and Monica argue about whose house it is. No more listening to him and Mom bickering about Grandfather. It's all over. His life is over."

"I know," I whispered. "I am so sorry he's gone."

"My mind just keeps repeating all these old memories I have of him. I didn't realize the impact he had made in my life."

"He loved you Dillon. He loved all of you guys. The Quartermaine's are crazy and relentless but they love each other. You will all overcome this together."

"I love you so much. Please tell me that you know that."

"I know you do."

"I just don't want another day to go by that those I love don't know how I feel. You are the most important person in my life. I need you to know that."

"You don't need to keep assuring me of your love."

"I just don't want to die without you knowing."

"You are not going to die."

"You almost did. I almost lost you. You don't understand what that was like Lulu. Every memory of you flashed before my eyes. I thought you were gone and I just hated myself for not telling you how I felt."

"Well I know it now. I'm fine. My memory will come back and we will live happily ever after."

"I'm beginning to lose my belief in happily ever after."

"Wow, Dillon the cynic. There is something I don't remember."

"Does it bother you?"

"No, I love you anyway." Dillon smiled and pressed his lips to mine. He deepened the kiss instantly and pushed me back onto the couch.

"I don't think this is a good idea," I said as I pulled away. "Anyone could walk in here at any moment."

"We should probably get back out there."

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked gently. He nodded and intertwined his hand with mine.

We emerged from the room and went to take our seats. Dillon sat down with his family and I moved over to sit with mine.

The funeral began and Ned stood up to read the eulogy. It was beautiful. Then many people stood up to say something about Alan. The funeral was very sad and I felt consumed with guilt as I watched those that loved Alan fall apart. I hoped I was nice to Alan over the last 6 months but deep down I knew I wasn't.

After the funeral everyone began to file out of the Quartermaine mansion. I pulled on my coat and prepared to leave with Liz and Lucky when Dillon approached us. "Can I borrow Lulu for a little while?" he requested gently.

"She has an appointment with Lainey in two hours," Elizabeth said.

"I'll take her," Dillon offered.

"I'll stay with him," I agreed. Dillon smiled as I hugged my brother and sister in law and then waved goodbye to them.

"Do you feel up to going for a walk?" Dillon asked gently.

"Of course," I said delicately. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't want you to compromise your health."

"Dillon my health is fine. The only thing wrong with me is that my memory has erased itself."

"I know, you just mean too much to me. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Nothing will. You can't spend every day worrying about the off chance that something might happen to me. I got out of the Metro Court alive. I'm going to stay that way."

He turned to look at me and I saw the tears that slid so freely down his face. His eyes looked so tortured that it took all I had not to start crying. "I guess today just reminded me of everything I could lose."

"If you go through life worrying about everything you might lose, you'll never appreciate what you do have."

"I do appreciate you," he said, as he pressed me into the wall and his mouth into mine.

"Let's go for that walk," I said, as I broke the kiss and pulled him out the door. He followed me to the boathouse and then we threw ourselves inside. Once the door closed, his mouth found mine again. He pushed me against the door and pressed his body into mine. I smiled at the feel of his weight pushing against me.

He pulled off my jacket and then his lips traveled from my mouth down my neck to my shoulder blade. We took our time undressing one another as his lips moved across my skin. Then we made our way over to the mattress on the floor and he pulled me down to lie on it. I straddled him and smiled. "Are you cold?" he whispered, as he pulled the blanket over my body.

"I'm fine," I whispered, as I leaned down and captured his mouth with mine. "The building is heated."

"I just don't want you to get cold," he said, before flipping us over so that I was beneath him.

"I'm not feeling cold," I said flirtatiously.

He smiled as he took both of my hands in his and lifted them above my head. "I love you," he said gently, as we came together.

"I love you too," I responded.

XXXXX

Dillon dropped me off at my appointment and said he'd wait for me in the cafeteria. I felt empty as he left my side, like there was a sudden void in my life.

I entered Lainey's office and sat down in one of the plush chairs. Lainey entered only a second behind me and smiled when she saw me. "How are you feeling today?" she asked gently.

"Tired," I admitted.

"How was your first day out of the hospital?"

"It was good but I felt really lost when I saw all the changes I feel like I missed. When I saw pregnant Elizabeth or when I saw Spencer. I feel like I missed out on all of these things."

"Any memories come back?"

"Only a flash of something when I was holding Spencer. It wasn't long enough to remember anything. It was like looking at a still photograph."

"That's a very good sign. It means your mind is trying to restore your memory using external stimuli. What were you doing at the time?"

"I had pulled Spencer into my arms and the smell of his shampoo triggered it."

"Well I'd like to try something similar."

"What do you mean?"

"Your mind responded to a similar smell. The scent of the shampoo triggered your brain to remember something. So another smell might remind you of something else. The more we do it, the more chances of you getting your memory restored."

"What do you have in mind?"

She handed me a bottle of perfume and asked me to spray it in the air. I did as I was asked and inhaled the smell. An image flashed quickly in my mind but I recognized my mother's blonde hair that hung in my face as I was wrapped in her embrace. I dropped the perfume bottle and it smashed on the floor. "I'm sorry," I cried.

"It's okay," Lainey said dismissively. "What did you remember?"

"I saw my mother."

"That's good. That's really good."

I suddenly felt very ill. I dropped over her garbage can and started to dry heave. Lainey came over and kneeled beside me. "It's okay Lulu. You're getting better."

"I want my mom," I said vulnerably, as tears began to flood my face. The idea that I had lost her again was too much to bear. I leaned my head against the door as I tried desperately to see her again in my mind.

"Maybe we should end this session here. You are too emotionally drained from this. It is going to be too much for you if you don't take it easy."

"No please, I need to remember her," I begged the psychiatrist. She looked at me nervously for a moment.

"I don't want to push you too hard. We need to take it slow."

"I want to remember my Mother."

"You will, but your mind needs time to process everything. Give it a chance to restore these memories."

"Please just help me."

I crawled back over to the chair and pulled myself back into it. Lainey watched me with concern. "Lulu if you push yourself, you will compromise your recovery."

"Well what do you want me to do?" I shouted, as I was suddenly consumed with a rage I could not explain. Then just as suddenly I was overcome with a sense of hopelessness, like my life lost all meaning. Lainey noticed the change.

"Lulu if you don't calm down right now, you're going to recede into yourself and you may not come back." The words sounded at a distance. I barely heard her. My mind had flooded with my only real memories of my mother before the original catatonia had set in. I was so little before she had gone crazy. I could no longer hear Lainey's words. I could only see the images of my mother.

"Lulu," I heard the words suddenly. I recognized Dillon's voice. I wanted to see him; to be with him but I couldn't escape my memories. I could see Lucky and Nikolas when I was just a little girl. We were playing hide and seek.

"Lulu don't you leave me," Dillon said loudly. "I can't lose you. I need you."

I wanted to be with him but I felt myself slipping away. I tried to cling on. I wanted to see him and touch him and know that he was real. "Call her brothers," I heard Dillon order. "Lulu, please come back to me. Baby I can't lose you now. Please just look at me. Register that I'm here. I need you." His words were filled with such desperation. I ached to be with him but I couldn't escape all these images that were flashing like a slide show through my mind.

I suddenly felt his fingers caressing mine and then the images dissipated and I could see him. "Dillon," I cried.

"Lulu, you came back?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. You got overwhelmed."

"I almost became her Dillon."

"But you came back. That's a good sign."

"I am becoming her Dillon. Eventually you won't be able to call me back."

"Don't say that Lulu. You can overcome this."

I threw my arms around his shoulders as I fell apart. I couldn't handle all of this pain and loss anymore. Dillon pulled me tightly against him and I felt his tears hit my shoulders. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too."

"You can fight this."

"I'll do my best."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital**

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took a really long time to write. I had all these plans to work on it over the weekend and got called in for double shifts from Friday through Sunday. This chapter is a turning point in this story so it took a lot of editing and rewriting. I hope you enjoy. Also expect a new chapter of To Choose Life sometime this week. I've been working on it but I have a lot of editing to do on it. Thanks for reading. **

Tormented

Chapter 9

The door swung open and my brothers and father were standing on the other side. "Lulu, are you okay?" Lucky asked.

Lainey reappeared. "Lulu, had slipped into an unresponsive state," she tried to explain.

"You are supposed to be helping her," my father muttered.

"I believe I tried to move her recovery too quickly. I'd like to try something else." The door swung open again and a man stood on the other side. "This is Dr. Hodgner. He specializes in post traumatic stress disorder."

He came further into the room. "I would like to try a different approach," he said.

"Are you a psychiatrist?" Nikolas asked.

"No, I'm a clinical psychologist who has spent a large portion of my life working with, and researching, post traumatic stress disorder. I have worked in crisis centers for years."

"Can you help her?" Dillon asked.

"Dr. Winters and I will work with her together. We're her best chance of getting better."

"She's fine when she's not in the hospital. She was fine when she went home yesterday and when I saw her today," Dillon insisted.

"That's because she feels safe with all of you. That will last for a little while, but she will get worse if we don't try and get her better," he explained.

"I am becoming Mom," I cried.

"No you're not," Lucky said. "You are going to be fine."

"Do what you need to do, but get her better," Nikolas said.

"If there is a chance another doctor elsewhere in the world could do a better job, you let me know and we will bring them in. Whatever will get her better with no chance of her slipping into catatonia," my father said.

I squeezed Dillon's hand in mine and he squeezed back. "With all due respect Mr. Spencer, I am very highly regarded in my field. I have a good chance of restoring your daughter's memory and helping her overcome the trauma she was exposed to," Dr. Hodgner told my father.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Lucky asked.

"Be supportive. Be there for her. If she needs to talk to one of you, just listen. She needs your help to build back up these memories. You are her support system and without you she will crash and burn," Dr. Hodgner said.

"Are you going to start treating me today?" I asked.

"I'd like to get to know you. However, I want your family to wait right outside. If at anytime you feel uncomfortable or want to see one of these people, let me know immediately."

I nodded in understanding. My brothers and father dropped kisses on my forehead. "I'll be right outside," Dillon promised before pressing his lips to mine. I kissed him back for a moment and reveled in the feeling of his touch. If I ever needed his support it was now.

As soon as the door closed Lainey and Dr. Hodgner sat down across from me. "Before we focus on restoring your memory, I would like to take some time to sort out how you feel about yourself and your life," Dr. Hodgner explained.

"Are you sure you want to go there?" I asked.

The psychologist smiled. "I'm here to help you in any way I can. I want to make this environment as comfortable for you as possible."

"What if I start to slip away again?"

"The only thing we can do is keep your family nearby and hope they can get through to you."

"I am afraid of becoming her," I confessed.

"Becoming who?" Dr. Hodgner asked politely.

"My mother," I sighed, as I focused my attention on my fingernails. I hadn't noticed until now how chipped the paint was. Then I remembered that they had just survived a hostage crisis.

"What's the last full memory you have of your mother?" the dark haired psychologist prodded.

"She was getting ready for her wedding to my Dad. She had taken me dress shopping and then we were going to meet my grandma Lesley and my aunt Bobbie for lunch. I was so excited to spend the day with my mother. That's the last full day I remember spending with her."

"Did you know what was going on?"

I shook my head. "Everyone kept telling me that she was sick and they were trying to get her better. Then my father and brothers stopped coming around as often. I lived with my grandmother. My aunt Bobbie would make an effort to see me. She'd bring my cousin Lucas with her. I always asked if my mother was better and if she was coming home. They would always shake their heads. I started acting out and my grandmother dropped me off on the Quartermaine doorstep to live with my father. I barely knew him."

"How is your relationship with your father?"

"Rocky at best. I heard him tell my grandmother that he never wanted me and that has always stayed with me. He didn't even know how old I was when I went to my brother's wedding. My father leaves a lot. It's just too hard to get to know him."

"Do you feel alone a lot?"

I nodded my head. "I am alone. Those people out there are here out of obligation. I feel bad they got sucked into this. Perhaps it would be best if I became catatonic, then they wouldn't have to take care of me."

"Lulu your family does not want that," Lainey insisted.

"They want you better. I just heard them," Dr. Hodgner said. "They love you."

"I don't know if I believe in love. I mean I think I love Dillon, but how do you tear apart someone's marriage when you love them? How do you abort their baby?"

"It sounds to me like you were searching for the love of a man to fill the void of losing your father," Dr. Hodgner explained.

"I don't use Dillon to replace my father. That's kind of disgusting."

"That's not what I mean."

"I broke up the marriage of my best friend. Then when we conceived a child I had an abortion."

"How do you feel about Dillon right now?"

"I can only go by what I felt from the last moment I remember. I was head over heels in love with him. I stopped at nothing to get his attention. However, he loved someone else and he went back to her. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't want to tell him. I felt like I was hurting him further."

"Is that why you had the abortion?"

"I don't remember having the abortion. I don't know why."

"I think you do and you can't handle why."

"I was 18 years old. I wasn't ready to be a mother. Dillon wasn't ready to be a father."

"So you had the abortion because you weren't ready. What's wrong with that?" Dr. Hodgner asked curiously.

"I can't stop feeling guilty."

"This abortion obviously affected you in so many ways. You need to come to terms with it."

"How can I if I can't remember it?" I demanded, suddenly feeling frustrated.

"It's okay Lulu. You need to calm down. You don't need to remember. You need to forgive yourself."

"I can't," I said as I burst into tears. My hand instantly went to my empty stomach. "I ended my pregnancy and I can't remember doing it."

"You believed you made the right choice. This doesn't make you a horrible person," Lainey offered. "You had to do this for you. You ensured that you were positive with your decision."

"I woke up thinking that I was still pregnant. Then everyone comes in and tells me that I chose to end that pregnancy. Why can't I remember unless I wasn't sure of my decision?"

"Because the psychological ramifications from your decision weren't processed. An abortion is a very difficult decision to make, but you did it. You need to face it," Dr. Hodgner explained.

I dropped my gaze to the tile floor. I was tired of trying to face things. I began to feel so exhausted. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair. I wanted to slip away for just a little while and stop fighting my mind and forgotten memories.

"Why don't we end the session and we'll pick up where we left off tomorrow?" Lainey suggested, obviously sensing my exhaustion.

I nodded gratefully and went out to where my family was waiting. "Well how did it go?" my father asked.

"I don't know anymore," I muttered. "Can I just be alone for a while?" I requested, receiving many concerned glances from my family. "I'll be fine. I'm not going to slip into a catatonic state."

"Take your cell phone with you. Call us if you begin to feel like you are fading," Lucky ordered.

"I will but I'll be fine. I just need to gather my thoughts for a little while."

I started walking until I reached the pier. I sat down on the bench and stared out over the water. I couldn't stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks. I felt so alone and emotional. I couldn't overcome the guilt I felt about the baby, nor could I overcome the feeling of loss I felt for my mother. Everything was swirling around in my head. I didn't want to take it anymore, but I knew I had no choice.

I finally stood up and walked around for a while. I found myself at Shadybrook. I went inside and went to my mother's room. She was exactly as I remembered her. I took her hand and held it firmly in mine. "I need you," I cried. "Mom I need you to come back to me. I need to remember you. Why can't I remember you?" I waited in silence for a few moments and then I dropped my head into her lap and sobbed.

When I couldn't cry anymore, I let go of my hold on her hand and whispered goodbye. I left the hospital and made my way back to the launch.

I entered Wyndemere and smiled at Norma and Spencer. "How are you feeling?" the nanny asked gently.

"I'm feeling fine," I lied. I reached for Spencer and she handed him to me willingly. I hugged the baby tightly to my body. "I missed you Spencer," I cooed.

Spencer smiled at me. "So where's Nikolas?" I asked Norma.

"He went over to see Miss. Emily," Alfred interrupted. "Mr. Dillon was here looking for you. He seemed very worried. He asked that I call when you returned."

"I'll call him. Thank you Alfred," I said gently. Norma left the room and I sat down with Spencer in my lap. "You are so lucky little one to have so many people that love you."

"Lulu," I heard a voice say tentatively.

"Dillon," I said gently.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "I just needed to gather my thoughts."

"Do you still want to be alone?" Dillon asked me.

"No. I'm okay now. I saw my Mom," I admitted.

"How did that go?" he said with concern.

"The same as it always does. I tell her everything and she just sits there in silence. I don't know what I was expecting."

Dillon reached over and held my hand. I leaned my head on his shoulder and Spencer snuggled between us.

Nikolas arrived soon after with Lucky, Liz and Emily. "We are going out to dinner so you need to be ready in an hour," Nikolas announced.

"Unless you're not up to it," Lucky said to me.

"That sounds nice," I agreed.

An hour later I was ready to go. They invited Dillon along and the six of us went out to the launch. I shivered from the cool air so Dillon wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned against him for support. The psychologist was right, for the time being I did feel safe with my family.

The evening went by quickly. We talked about all sorts of things and for just a little while I was able to forget that I had lost my memory, that I had ended the pregnancy that had connected me to the man I loved and also that my mother had come and gone and I could barely remember seeing her face.

That night after I took more of Lainey's sleeping pills I fell into bed and slipped out of consciousness. I was not however ready for what was to come. Images flashed through my mind but I couldn't make sense of them. I could hear the words, the vicious, vile words. "Mom would hate you and Lulu both for what you're doing…" the words felt like a physical blow. I recognized Lucky's voice. I opened my eyes and cried out. I had no recollection of when these words were said, but it didn't make them any less painful.

I sat up in the bed and stared at the window. It enchanted me and I got out of the bed to stare out across the island. The moonlight danced on the water evoking a feeling of nostalgia that made me feel momentarily safe. I contemplated calling Dillon, but I didn't want to bother him. Instead I sat down in a chair and wrapped my arms around myself for protection. I must have drifted off again, because this time the words were even worse. "You selfish Bitch…" Hearing those words come from Dillon's mouth made me feel physically ill. I ran into the bathroom and dropped down next to the toilet.

After dry heaving for a while, I climbed miserably back into bed, terrified about falling back asleep. As soon as I did, more words invaded my subconscious. "Now rather than be inconvenienced for nine months or God forbid gain a little bit of weight, you'd rather sacrifice a human life." I did not remember Dillon saying these words, but the anger was palpable. I knew he was unhappy about the abortion but this put everything into perspective. I did not wake up after this one, more words just flooded my mind. "What is this about Lulu? Is this about Georgie? Is this about me not being in love with you? Or maybe it's about getting what you never had and always wanted; Daddy's attention."

When I awoke from this I couldn't take it anymore. I climbed out of the bed and grabbed my jacket. I ran downstairs and outside to the waters edge. I wanted to throw myself into the water and escape these horrible words that were being tossed around in my mind. I didn't want my memory back anymore. It hurt too much. I kneeled down and reached into the ice cold water. My hand froze instantly. I imagined my body floating in it, finally escaping the pain that plagued me. The water would lower my core temperature and then I would just slip away and be free. I couldn't take it anymore. I wouldn't take it anymore.

"What's wrong?" I heard Nikolas' voice call to me, as he came running to where I was.

"Nothing," I lied.

"Why are you out here?" Nikolas asked.

"I needed some fresh air."

"Did you have more nightmares?" I nodded. "Do you remember anything?"

I shook my head. I didn't want him to know what I remembered. I needed to forget it again.

"Want to come back inside?"

I followed my brother back into the mansion and sat down on the sofa. "What's really going on?" he prodded.

"I feel so alone," I confessed.

Nikolas sat down beside me. "What makes you feel so alone?" he asked gently.

"I feel like I've missed the last six months of my life. I feel like I'm so behind, while you all moved on, I was left behind."

"It will get easier when your memory returns," Nikolas offered.

"Will it? Obviously these memories were pretty bad if my mind erased them to protect my sanity."

"Well they weren't completely positive but you faced them and you were okay. I just wish I had have known how much they hurt you because I would have done a better job of being there for you."

I leaned my head on my big brothers shoulders as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me against him. I started to cry and my brother held me quietly until I felt better. I bid him goodnight and listened for him to return to his bed before sitting down on his computer and going on the internet. If I couldn't sleep then I had to distract myself somehow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.**

**A/N: This chapter was hard to write. I didn't know which way to take it because there are so many ways it can play out. I think I'm satisfied with my choice. I hope you agree. Enjoy…**

Tormented

Chapter 10

I watched the sun rise and was excited when I heard Spencer's morning cries. I raced upstairs and explained to the nanny that I wanted to care for him. She nodded and went back to bed, leaving me alone with my nephew.

I cared for Spencer until Nikolas and Emily came downstairs. Nikolas read Spencer a story while I showered and had a coffee with Emily. She was very somber and didn't talk much which was exactly what I wanted. I was tired of talking to people.

Nikolas put Spencer down for a nap and explained that he would make us all something to eat. It was apparently a recipe he wanted to try. I smiled and went into the study.

I stared at the picture of my mother on Nikolas' desk. I couldn't take my eyes from it. Suddenly I felt arms slide around my waist. "Don't touch me," I shrieked at Dillon. He jumped back in shock. "Don't ever touch me again," I screamed out again.

"Lulu what is going on?" Dillon asked, absolutely petrified.

"You mean the selfish bitch?" I demanded. It instantly clicked as I said that.

"Lulu…" he started again.

"Get away from me," I cried.

"Lulu please, I never meant to say that to you," he said softly.

"Stay away from me," I screamed. I felt myself falling apart. He reached out to steady me and I slapped his hands away. "Don't touch me." I hit him again and he grabbed my wrists gently and spun my body so my back was against him. He held me for a moment as an attempt to calm me down.

"Calm down," he soothed. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"Stay away from me," I screamed out.

Nikolas came running into the room. "What did you do?" he demanded. Dillon let me go and I ran to my brother. He saw the tears streaming down my face and looked back at Dillon fiercely. "What did you do?" he reiterated.

"Nothing. She is remembering..."

"Remembering what?" Lucky asked as he came into the room.

"Her abortion," Dillon said gently.

I felt myself becoming ill. "Don't bother worrying about me Lucky. I know Mom would hate Dad and I both for what we were doing," I muttered. Lucky's eyes grew wide and he also knew what I was talking about.

"Lulu, I was high out of my mind on pills. I never meant to hurt you. I was angry at myself not you."

"It's okay. At least I know the truth. You're all here out of obligation. You don't want me in your life. That's okay. I accept that."

I dropped onto the couch and cried harder. I felt myself begin to hyperventilate. Emily came running into the room with a paper bag and told me to breathe into it.

"We should never have let you around her," Lucky muttered to Dillon.

"You know I never meant to hurt her," Dillon argued.

"But you did," Nikolas agreed. "What if we lose her?" Nikolas demanded.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and began rocking back and forth as they argued a few feet away. My mind flooded with memories of the nights I spent with Dillon.

"Everyone shut up," Emily screamed, though it sounded more like a whisper to me, as if I could hear her from miles away. "She isn't registering that my hand is waving in front of her face."

"Dillon, bring her out of this. You've done it before," Nikolas muttered.

"She trusted me back then," Dillon protested.

"Nikolas you're the only one she trusts right now," Lucky agreed.

"Lulu," Nikolas whispered to me. "Hey Lu, you've got to listen to me, okay? Hey you've got to come back. We need you. What you said isn't true. We love you so much. Please come back."

I couldn't see my brother and a part of me didn't want to. I needed to ease their burden.

"Lulu listen to me," Dillon said fiercely. "You can't leave me. I do love you. I was horrible to you. I know I was, but I never meant anything I said. I was mad at the situation. I swear to you that I love you. Come back to me, please. Remember everything I said to you yesterday morning? I meant every word. You are my world. Don't give up Lulu. Come back to me and Lucky and Nikolas and Spencer and Cameron. Come back for your father and Bobbie and Grandma Leslie and your cousins. Your family needs you just like I do. Love isn't conditional, Lulu. Your family will always love you and so will I. Don't give up because I was an ass. I would kick my own ass for what I said if I could. I hate myself for hurting you. Please don't give up. I would never forgive myself for being the cause of losing you. You are not just my best friend, you are everything I've ever wanted in my life. You are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I can't live without you. I just can't. You are my reason for breathing. It took me way too long to realize that, but it is the truth. I can't go on without you."

I listened to his words and something in me broke. He became clear in front of me. I pulled away from his hand that was clutching mine and fell apart. I felt so isolated. Dillon leaned his head close to mine. "I love you." I made eye contact with him and saw the truth of his words. I let him pull my body against his. I pressed my face into his shoulder as I cried. He wrapped his arms tightly around my body and pressed his face into my wet hair. "God I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered. "I think I need to see Lainey now."

Dillon helped me stand up and Nikolas and Lucky agreed it was time for me to go to the hospital.

XXXXX

Lainey and Dr. Hodgner were waiting for me when I arrived at the hospital. "Want to tell me what happened?" Dr. Hodgner prodded, as I sat down in the plush chair.

"I'm starting to remember my abortion," I answered hesitantly.

"What do you remember?"

"The cruel words that people said to me. I remember Dillon calling me a selfish bitch and telling me the only reason I was doing it was to get my father's attention. I remember my brother telling me that my mother would hate me for getting the abortion." I started to cry as I repeated what I remembered from the night before.

"How does it make you feel to remember these things?"

"Empty and alone."

"Are these the only things you remember?"

I nodded sadly and started focusing my attention on the floor. "They came back in my sleep."

"Have you spoken to Dillon or your brother about the different situations that you are remembering?"

"When I brought it up, they defended it and said it didn't change that they loved me."

"You don't believe them?" Dr. Hodgner asked openly.

"Why should I? If they were capable of saying those things they obviously don't love me."

"You're so determined to be unhappy. Your fathers words resonated so strongly with you that you carried them over to everyone you meet. You feel your worth is so low that no one can possibly love you. You can't forgive these people because you can't forgive yourself."

I digested what the doctor said and frowned. "I can't forgive myself. I hate myself. I believe my worth is so low because it is so low. Look at what I've accomplished in my life. I've stolen, lied, cheated, manipulated, and hurt people. Aborting Dillon's child nearly destroyed him. I was responsible for that. I still remember how hurt he was when I lied about Georgie. He looked like he had been kicked to the ground and run over by a transport. How could I possibly love him, if I was capable of that?"

"Let's talk about why you broke up Dillon and Georgie's marriage," he suggested. Lainey nodded in the background.

"I was selfish. I wanted Dillon for myself."

"What made you want Dillon?"

"He listened to me. He cared about me. He made me feel better about myself. My time with him was one of the only times I wasn't thinking about my mother and wishing she were present, until I got pregnant."

"So you developed feelings for Dillon. Then what happened?"

"Georgie was hanging out with Diego a lot and it shook Dillon's trust in her. She made out with him at the prom to punish Dillon for coming to the Markhaam islands with me. Diego liked Georgie and I liked Dillon, so we came up with the perfect plan to destroy them."

"Which was?"

"I lied and told Dillon I saw them sleeping together. Diego set it up so they would be in a situation where Dillon would walk in on them in a room together so he would believe me. He did and he broke up with her on the spot and then fell into bed with me to ease the pain."

"How did you feel after lying to him?"

"I felt sick with guilt. I couldn't handle what I had done and at first I pushed him away. I felt so horrible for hurting him but when he said that I was the only person he trusted, I felt needed and wanted. I let myself go back to him and fell in love harder than I had before. I tried to tell him the truth but he didn't believe me. Then he found out I'd lied and he pushed me away. I lost my best friend then and I hated myself. Dillon went back to Georgie and I ended up finding out I was pregnant. My life was spiraling and I couldn't take it. I didn't trust myself as a parent. I didn't want to give birth because I knew deep down I would never be able to give up my child, but I didn't want to tie Dillon down or have my baby be raised by the Quartermaines. Adoption was out because Dillon would have just taken custody and my child would live the life I never wanted it to have. Besides, I didn't want my child to feel as unwanted as I do."

"I think that's where your fear of being pregnant comes from too. Do you realize that everything comes back to what you heard your father say?"

I thought about it for a moment. I couldn't deny that it was true. Hearing I wasn't wanted affected everything in my life that had brought me to that point. "Well what can I do to fix that?"

"I think its time you fix the relationship you have with your father."

"My father will never be the father that I need him to be, no matter what happens. He hates himself too much to feel like he could ever help us so he distances himself as his way of protecting us."

"How would you feel about bringing your father to your next session so we can mediate while you put everything out there?"

"NO," I immediately exclaimed. "I don't want him brought into this."

"Let's start small," Lainey suggested. "I want you to write your father a letter. He never has to see it but you need to get your feelings out there."

"Okay," I agreed. "I'll do that."

"I want to learn a little more about your relationships with your brothers," Dr. Hodgner said tentatively.

"I love my brothers. They sometimes feel like the only family I have. Knowing that my one brother could say something so hurtful makes me feel sick. Lucky is my whole brother. He became kind of distanced from my parents when I was younger but he always came to see me. He would come with Elizabeth..."

"Who is Elizabeth?" Dr. Hodgner asked.

"My brothers current wife."

"Okay. So your brother stopped coming around. How did that make you feel?"

"I was really little, but I think I felt a little abandoned. Kind of like he left me behind."

"What about your other brother?"

"Nikolas was my mother's son no one knew about. When I was little I got really sick and needed bone marrow. Nikolas turned out to be the only match. He came to save my life and it was revealed that he was my big brother. At first there was conflict between Lucky and Nikolas but they ended up becoming best friends and they will always have something that I am not a part of."

"Do you feel excluded?"

"I feel like they would be happier without me."

"What do you think could bridge the gap in your relationship with your brothers?"

"Nothing. They are happier when I'm not around."

"How would you know that if you're not around?"

"Because they're best friends and I'm just their little sister that my mother asked them to take care of. I'm simply an annoyance. I will never be a part of what they have."

"You are excluding yourself. It's not them," Lainey said. "You are so set on being unwanted that you have made yourself believe that your own brothers don't want you. That's not true. You need to tell them how you feel."

"I don't want them to think that they failed my mother by not being able to care for me the way she wanted."

"Your brothers love you. You need to believe that."

"I can't," I confessed sullenly.

"Your brother came here to save your life. He risked his to save yours Lulu. He did it because he loves you. Whatever conflict between your parents and other brother, never stopped him from coming to see you. Your mother can't be here, but your brothers are and they want you to be with them. They love you," Lainey said.

I dropped my gaze and began to cry. My mind flooded with memories of my brothers when I was a little girl. They were choppy and there were things I couldn't remember but I remembered feeling so happy at the same time. I loved when both brothers came over to play.

"How do you feel about Dillon now that you remember what he said to you?" Dr. Hodgner asked.

"I feel more isolated from everyone than I ever did before. I feel like the way he is acting towards me is a lie and really he's just going to leave me for Georgie in the end."

"Have you told him this?"

I shook my head. "I don't know what to say. I know he doesn't love me but the way he's been for the past few days is everything I ever wanted from him. He makes me feel human."

"Maybe you should just let him in and let the chips fall where they may. Love doesn't have to always end in pain," Lainey said.

"But it always will because no matter what people leave."

"Losing people is part of life, but shutting off from them in fear of the inevitable never allows you the chance to feel happiness. Some day these people you care about will die, but right now they are here and they want to be around you and they want to help you get better. Enjoy them while you have them. Love is not conditional. Your family loves you," Dr. Hodgner said.

I started to feel overwhelmingly nauseous. "Can we stop now?" I asked vulnerably. "I'm starting to not feel very well."

"Are you feeling like you're slipping away?" Lainey asked.

I shook my head. "I just need some space so I can get some perspective. I don't know how to let these people in and I don't know if I should bother."

"You need to forgive yourself. Nothing can help you but finding your own self worth," Dr. Hodgner explained.

"Write those letters. Write one to every member of your family. Make sure you include everything you need to say," Lainey said.

"I will," I promised.

I stood up and thanked both doctors before going into the hallway. My brothers, Dillon, Carly, Bobbie, Elizabeth, Emily and my father were sitting in the waiting room.

"How did it go?" Lucky asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I need to be alone for a while."

"But…" Lucky started.

"Lulu needs this," Carly said.

"What if…" Dillon tried to argue.

"When I had my breakdown I needed space," Carly said. "Lulu knows best what she needs and we need to respect that."

"Are you going to be okay?" Nikolas asked.

"I just need some time to gather my thoughts and make sense of my own life…" I said as tears sprang to my eyes. I turned away so no one would have to see me cry. "Just give me time."

"Okay," my father agreed. "If that is what you need, we will respect that."

I smiled at him graciously before wrapping my arms around myself and running out of the hospital.


End file.
